


Criminal? Not So Much

by Bluenailsandsuedeshoes



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Niall-centric, Shoplifting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-07-18 10:07:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7310677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluenailsandsuedeshoes/pseuds/Bluenailsandsuedeshoes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall wouldn't associate the word 'addiction' to his actions, because an 'addiction' means it's a problem. A problem suggests that something is wrong, it's a complication, an issue, it is perhaps <em>harmful</em>. But Niall doesn't think it is really, just sometimes he shoplifts. He believes that it is actually quite the opposite to a problem, it's helping him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Criminal? Not So Much

**Author's Note:**

> I don't care if Zayn isn't around anymore, I had to have him in this fic haha.  
> Feedback is welcomed in the comments :))

Niall wouldn't associate the word 'addiction' to his actions, because an 'addiction' means it's a problem. A problem suggests that something is wrong, it's a complication, an issue, it is perhaps _harmful_ and Niall doesn't think it is really, just sometimes he shoplifts. Niall believes that it is actually quite the opposite to a problem, it's helping him.

\-----

Niall is only twelve years old when he first shoplifts. He lives with his mum and his brother Greg in a flat in Mullingar. It isn't big, the door is falling off the hinges due to the rusting alloy and the lack of light filtering into the flat almost results in a sense of dinginess and misery. What they have of a car is scrap metal at most but Niall knows that his mum works hard for the little they have and so he always remains appreciative.

Grocery shopping is a weekly duty of Niall's, while he goes to school, Greg works at the shipyard a few miles away and his mum works as a seamstress. It fills him with guilt sometimes, when he unlocks the door to see Greg passed out on the sofa, clothes sticky and stained with oil, a smell which makes Niall's stomach churn. Or sees his mother who disclaims fatigue and sits in the corner fixing plasters to her worn fingers. When he asks "Yer 'right Mam?" she forces a faint quivering smile, replies telling him not to worry, and jokes that she can barely feel her fingers anymore. 

It seems only right, he thinks, to do the weekly shop. His mum says he's getting better at doing things before he's told and he likes the sound of that.

Each week Niall takes two large, embarrassingly chequered wheeled bags to carry the food home in. Despite his newly formed nickname of 'Gramps' by his mates from school, the trip back from the grocery store is a lot quicker and less straining without the need to carry several bags.

It is a particularly chilly one night in the winter when Niall is in his local food store. Niall had always been good at Maths and that is his problem on this particular wintery night. Counting up the items in his basket at the grocery store, he knows he is almost reaching his fifty pound budget yet he is only three quarters into the list he had ripped off the fridge.

He begins taking items out of the basket but the lighter the basket gets, the heavier his chest feels. Regretful for the loss of food for his family, ashamed for his inability to earn money and frustrated because don't the worst things happen to the best of people.

Impulse.

That's what they would call it, the overwhelmingness of guilt that has him stuffing his pockets with food.

Despite the absence of any visible security at the doors, Niall tests it out. He slips a chocolate bar into the nearest lady's handbag and waits until she leaves.  
No alarm.  
It's that simple.

His hands are violently shaking, the adrenaline from nervousness or excitement he doesn't know, but he self consciously pulls his sleeves over his hands to hide it when he's paying for the remaining groceries.

Desperate times call for desperate measures Niall tells himself, he has no choice and it won't happen again he says.

Clearly he isn't convincing enough.

Niall continues to repeat the same thing week after week and he learns to adapt to the newly installed security scanners. When his mum asks why he had lined the wheeled bags with aluminium foil, Niall lies coolly through his teeth.  
"It helps keep the food cold Mam, we don't want no off milk now that it's summer."

And she believes him, tells him that he's a clever boy and kisses the top of his head.

\-----

It's several weeks later when Greg puts two and two together.

They are unpacking a food shop when Greg stills. He stands in an ironic sort of adamant rigidity before fisting his hand into the collar of Niall's shirt, dragging him outside the front door and shoving his back against the railings outside the flat.

The hand holding the fabric of his shirt starts digging into his throat, and Niall's racking his brain, eyes wide and chest heaving, wondering what he could have done to cause his own brother to jump him.

"What the actual fuck Niall do you want to go to prison?" Greg hisses, wild eyes boring into his skull. Niall is confused and disorientated but this doesn't help his case.  
"I don't- I dunno what you're talking-"

"Oh don't bullshit me Ni, I know when there's too much food in the fucking shopping bag for how much money we earn. And the silver foil, you must think I'm stupid. Why did you steal?" Greg says, s

Niall knows he's been caught and he doesn't know what to do about it. He pleads Greg not to tell anyone. He tells him that he's worried, that their mum looks thinner than she used to. They _need_ this.  
But Greg yells back, his fist digging deeper into his throat, his face red hot and shaking.  
"What are you gonna do Ni for me and Mam when you're in a fucking prison cell? What then?" Greg shouts, takes a step back, his chest visibly heaving.

Niall can't find it in him to be understanding, he has found a way to help them and it's _working_.  
The tension in his chest is unbearable, he begins to shiver with rage and anxiety and he has to bite onto the edge of the sleeve to stop his teeth chattering.  
But confidence surges through him and he's stuttering words he's surprised he is brave enough to say.

"I wonder who's fault it is when half our money gets spent on drugs and alcohol. Don't think I don't notice the deals behind Jay's." Niall hisses. He's a mess of anger and fear, with red rimmed eyes and a thick Irish accent.

"How the hell do you think I'm supposed to buy us enough food when you're taking half the money from the tin to buy _drugs_. So don't lecture me about some shoplifting when you might end up doing seven years in prison for cocaine!"

He draws the words out, barbs them with as much acid as he can. And it's only until he feels the air rush from his lungs that he realises just how effective his word choice was. Niall's left clutching his middle on the concrete, unable to speak let alone _breathe_ as Greg walks away.

"You don't know _shit_ Niall."

\-----

Greg cuts down a little on his drug use after that, maybe its because he's anxious that Niall will tell their mum or maybe its because of the kickboxing lessons Niall's been given by a friend free of charge.

The three of them are sitting down for dinner one particular evening. Their mum has bought the local town newspaper and an ordinary one with 'House prices sky rocket' on the front page. She's skimming through the pages, barely reading the lines and sometimes Niall thinks she buys the newspapers to mirror the other school mums that she admires. It's as if she feels the need to impress them, the middle class ones who read the 'Independent', who drive Range Rovers and buy their weekly shop from Waitrose. 

It's when she's flicking through the local town paper that she comes across an article of interest.

"Our favourite grocer has had some thief stealing a load of food from his shop." she says, speaking with such sweet severity. Sighing sympathetically she takes her pound store, thickly rimmed glasses off and turns to Niall.  
"Have you noticed anything Niall?"

His gaze immediately falters and it's so cinematic how Niall so happens to start choking on his broccoli and when he manages to catch a breath, manages to stutter out an unconvincing "No, no, no I haven't". 

"How _strange_ Niall." Greg eyes Niall, cutting his meat until the knife scratches the ceramic. But while Niall is apprehensive over his brother's actions, he knows Greg cannot do anything, his own shoplifting looks petty to Greg's coke drug deals.

That Wednesday, Niall rotates to the next supermarket.

\-----

Niall never does get caught, experiencing only one sound of the alarm, but even then, he used the persuasive techniques he learnt at school from Miss Bailey and succeeded in convincing them that it "Must have been a mistake at the self service, Sir."

He counts his lucky stars, but while that seems like a great thing, it helps what he calls his "necessary borrowing" to turn a lot more into frequent compulsive stealing.

It's after the X-Factor when he knows it's a problem. Niall is no longer living in a council flat with his mum and Greg anymore. He lives in a spacious London apartment shared with Liam and he has a very well paid job, so _why_ he feels the need to take something off the shelf and stuff it into his parka jacket is unknown to him.

Google happens to give him the closest explanation.  
Kleptomania - the recurrent urge to steal typically without regard for need or profit.

Everything Niall takes is either for the urge to feel safe or for the sentimental value. He convinces himself that these items hold his memories. _Without these he is going to forget everything._

\-----

The boys are on their way back from their final interview on a Wednesday and it takes them a while but they convince management to stop at the next service station for food. It's late and there wouldn't likely be too many fans out that would see them.

Niall must be going down with some sort of common cold, as he's surprisingly lost his appetite, hence his choice of M&S, not McDonald's where Louis and Harry are arguing again over their favourite happy meals.

It is then that Niall has what he calls a 'miscalculation of judgement.'

Lights and shadows of reviving memory crosses his face as he sees the same brand of chocolate that has always been his mum's favourite. He picks it up, smiles as he scans over the navy packaging. 80% cocoa it says and he has a brief moment of too much nostalgia, causing him to momentarily forget who he is and that he is not going home to a dingy flat in Mullingar.

The compulsion to steal the chocolate floods through him, he feels his hands tremble and itch. He looks around for security cameras or people and with neither in his sight, he slips it into his pocket with surprising speed. Prepared for moments like this, he covers the chocolate bar in aluminium foil to prevent the scanners from reading the tags.

As he walks out of the shop, the agitation and anxiety finally flows out of his body allowing him to breathe in profound relief. He's _certain_ that he's safe now, because every time he stole in the grocery store when he was twelve, it meant that he was one hundred per cent sure he would be eating dinner for the next week. And it seems as if now, he is a constant nervous and hyperactive wreck. One who finds security and safety in the act of theft.

None of the boys notice that Niall didn't in fact pay for his chocolate, only for his chilli chicken pasta and if they did, no one says anything.

\-----

It is their time in New York that hits Niall the hardest. He refuses to admit to himself that his issue is getting worse. It's just a bad month he says, it won't happen again.

But everything he takes gives him the same sentimental value. The beanie that he takes, almost the same shade of blue (celestial blue they call it) as the bobble hat his mum bought him when they went sledging together when he was ten.

He slips the reading glasses into his pocket almost out of habit for his mum despite a box containing over ten pairs of the exact replica sitting next to her bed. Even the snow globe that he borrows (steals) from the tourist shop reminds him of the one Greg bought him for Christmas once.

And then there's the items he takes for the boys. For example, the lighter that he picks up, reminds him of the times that Zayn has stayed up with him, sat on the balcony until early hours. It's because of him that he now doesn't mind the smell of smoke, he finds it soothing in the knowledge that Zayn is no longer radiating stress.

And it is the exact same process when he gets back home to the hotel room every time an incident occurs. Frantic pacing around the room, tugging at his hair, asking himself what he is going to do with all these unnecessary items. But he persuades himself that they contain his _memories_ and he cannot just throw them out.

He concludes with stuffing the items at the bottom of his travel bag and moving on.

Only he knows, in fact he can _feel_ it, that the longer he keeps stuffing items in and the more he puts in, he is one step closer to something happening, someone finding out.  
It's just a matter of time before everything falls apart.

\-----

The first moment of panic happens three weeks later.

The five boys are in London, in Niall's and Liam's shared apartment for after their tedious day recording, they just want to watch a film and play a good game of Fifa.

"Ni can I have a look in your room for that phone charger I lost? I'm sure one of you has it." Louis says, not that he's waiting for a reply from Niall as he's already walking towards his bedroom and pushing the door open. Niall lets him go ahead because he probably does have it, constant touring means they barely know what items belong to who anymore and they accidentally end up with each other's belongings.

"Could it be in the travel bag?" Louis yells from within the bedroom and for a brief moment Niall is unaware. It's only until his brain catches on that he freezes, because that bag has everything he's taken in the past months. He's left motionless for a brief moment before he is leaping off the sofa and flying to his room with an alarming rapidity. He arrives eyes wide and heart drumming against his ribcage.

His mouth is half open ready to protest but Louis has already emptied the entire travel bag onto the floor, leaving the random contents to have fallen into a pile and particular items to go rolling underneath the bed.  
Louis is already questioning and Niall has no clue what to say.  
"What _is_ all this stuff?"

Niall is speechless at first, aside from the weird stuttered noises escaping his mouth. There's a faint tremor of amusement on Louis' lips at his struggle.

"Nothing- it's nothing, just like stuff I bought in New York and stuff from home."

"Oh." Is all Louis says and he looks down for a second before continuing.  
"But you barely bought anything in New York, just a couple of shirts, I remember." Louis says tilting his head, and he's got that _tone_ in his voice that Niall has heard before.

"Alright well, you can clear this up, I'm taking _this_." Louis says with his classic eye roll, pushing himself off the floor with a charger in his hand.

"Also dibs on first game of Fifa!" Louis yells as he exits the room and Niall watches as he grabs a beer off the counter, snaps the lid off with his teeth and continues on like normal. Whether Louis is oblivious or impatient or whatever that was, Niall is grateful.

Then he is on the floor, desperately throwing items back into the travel bag and sliding underneath the bed for the snow globe. When he's finished he leans his weight onto the door frame, his head throbbing dangerously. He wonders if he's being half suffocated by his lies and guilty conscience.

Knees weak, he goes to sit at the edge of his bed with his head in his hands, trying to figure out what the hell he is going to do to fix his 'borrowing'. No, his compulsion. _His addiction_.

Does he think of anything? 

No. 

\-----

It's a quiet and uneventful (surprisingly) Monday night. Currently sat in a booth at a small independent Italian restaurant they booked out for themselves to avoid hassle, the boys enjoy a meal out. Maybe Niall had another 'miscalculation of judgement' over some cigarettes at a corner shop they visited before the restaurant, but he avoids the thought that he's done it again. He will overthink it when he gets back anyways. He might miss some hours of sleep later because of it but he doesn't want to draw attention to himself here.

Something that Niall notices is that Zayn is acting _weird_ , he's too quiet and too reserved and he's irritable. And yes maybe, Zayn is pretty much all three most of the time anyway. But this is definitely different. Niall makes a note to ask about it later, although the sharp looks directed mostly his way, makes him question if it's something Niall himself has done wrong.

Niall likes to think he is fairly observant. Not only does Zayn radiate agitation through his body language but Niall notices how Zayn shrugs off Liam's arm around his shoulder and removes Liam's hand from his knee (which was rightfully placed with the intention of stopping his leg bouncing up and down).

Zayn goes and asks for the bill, which Niall thinks was a little early. His conversation with Harry about Irish tradition is cut short, but maybe Zayn is desperate to go home and have a nap before their movie night, and that really wouldn't surprise any of them.

It's when they arrive home, Liam's unlocking the door to his and Niall's apartment and nothing is problematic really.  
Until it is.

"Niall what's in your pocket?" Zayn questions inimically, removing his trench coat and throwing it on one of the sofas. The boys catch on to the edge in his voice, look around at each other in a confused consensus.

Niall turns around to face Zayn, gives a nonchalant shrug and continues to walk forward.  
"My keys and phone, why?" He says, perplexed at what Zayn is implying.

Zayn takes a deep breath and rubs his face with his hands in what seems like a pacifying behaviour. "Yeh, in your left pocket is your phone and keys. I'm talking about your right pocket." Zayn pushes and Niall subconsciously traces the shape of the cigarette box with his fingers. There's a small thought in Niall's head that is expanding, escalating, the thought that Zayn _knows_. It would explain the agitated looks he had been getting throughout the night and Zayn's odd behaviour.

"Nothin' mate, I told you already." Niall shrugs nervously, but Zayn isn't satisfied. A sense of restrained fury fills the air, it grips Niall in urgency and panic.  
"You stole a pack of cigarettes, didn't you? It's in your pocket. I might seem like the person who wouldn't care because yeh I've got tattoos, I smoke, would do drugs, but stealing Ni? That isn't right."

The silence is almost intolerable. Niall pauses, stunned and comprehending. He decides to feign an act of aimless confusion.  
"Zayn what the fuck are you talk-"

"Come on Niall, I saw you do it, stop lying. You seemed pretty comfortable doing it too." Zayn is stepping ever closer to Niall, who is now rooted to the spot, words faltering, mind racing.

"Zayn you know me, yeh, you know, you know I wouldn't steal." Niall is tugging at the top buttons on his shirt attempting to let in some air. He's left wondering if he forgot to turn the heating off like he usually does, or if it really is just him.  
"Look Zayn it's not a big deal-" Niall pleads, thinking that maybe he can convince them that it was a one off occurrence. That this has never happened before, but Zayn _hates_ that, and Niall can see it in his piercing eyes.  


"Not a big deal Ni, well what do we say when you get caught on CCTV cameras? What about the media? Do we have to make up some bullshit story for you? What about the shopkeepers who live on the money they make and you-" he points at Niall's chest "-a guy who gets so much money it's almost disposable, is stealing from them."

Niall's speechless, any attempt to form words dissolve in his mouth and if it weren't so important it wouldn't matter, but he _needs_ to explain himself. No one says anything for a couple of seconds, Niall unsure of what is going to happen, the boys unsure of how to react. Apparently those few seconds allow Louis to piece it all together.

"All that stuff in the bag Niall, what was it really?" Louis asks, it's tentative and slow and he's not even sure he makes it to the end but if the way Niall crumbles to the floor is any indication, Louis doesn't need the answer. And just like the other day he is ignoring Niall's protests, and is already striding across to his bedroom.

And while Niall knows it was inevitable, the sinking feeling is worse than he prepared himself for. _You've got to get used to this from now on Niall, being alone._

They reach Niall's bedroom and it's only a couple of seconds before Zayn is spitting venom, the items Niall had stuffed inside, falling out when Louis kicks the bag open.

"What the fuck Niall, you have so much money, does it seriously hurt to put a couple of pounds onto the counter? And those cigarettes, you don't even smoke!" The contrast of the rage to his usual serene self makes it double more terrifying and unlike many others, Zayn will not have an unnecessary shouting match which resolves itself in five minutes. He knows exactly what he is saying and the dirty looks make his words feel that much more poisonous.

"I _had_ to, you don't understand. I'm going to forget him, forget Greg." But while Niall thinks that's what he said, the boys' faces contort into confusion and it turns out he only successfully spoke around three words in total.

"Ni what's wrong why are you crying?" Harry says, and if he is crying he only knows now, the thought that he is now also pathetic as well as guilty makes his sobs only more breathless.

Zayn steps forward just like Greg did in the kitchen when he found out. Niall's eyes dilate with pain and fear, his slim frame beginning to tremble and the moment Zayn notices, his expression alters from confusion to worry.

But Niall doesn't comprehend the change in the air so when Zayn puts a hand on his shoulder, he flinches violently, the fear holding him in a vice. He backs away because he sees Greg lashing out at him, leaving him writhing on the concrete and walking away.

Zayn draws his hand back in an instant, the pain in Niall's eyes sending hot shivers to crawl through his skin.

Liam steps forward, about to extend his hand out to help Niall before sighing and turning on his heels towards the boys.  
"Everyone out." He says, words short and sharp. "This is mine and Niall's apartment, everyone else can leave."

"Wait Niall-" Zayn says but Liam puts a hand on his arm and stops him midway.

"I think you've done enough for one night, don't you?"

\-----

When Niall wakes, clearly his mind is oblivious to all problems because he lies there for a couple of second wondering if he can get Liam to cook his breakfast, what the schedule looks like for the day and what time it is. His cloud of reverie is broken when the events of the previous night catches up to him a moment later and he's overwhelmed. And it's until this realisation that he starts to question the sound of four other boys talking in his lounge.

Maybe they've come to collect their belongings, Niall thinks.

"You're fucking quiet today Zayn."

Some of it is incoherent and maybe Niall doesn't mind.

"He had this look like I was going to hurt him, I've, I've never seen Ni like that before."

"And he mentioned something about Greg. Maybe he got some bad news?"

Niall makes his way to the door, pulls it open silently.

"I need to apologise." Zayn says, voice thick with regret. But _no he doesn't_ Niall thinks, _I'm the criminal_.  
"Liam stop looking at me like that, I don't know what else I can do."

Niall pads over, his head enouraging him to turn back with every step on the cool floor. He runs his hands through his hair. He won't run away from his problems. Not this time.

"Yeh maybe you shouldn't have _confronted_ him-"

" _Please_ stop arguing" Niall interrupts, head hanging low. His frame seems collapsed, shrunk almost as he kneads his hands, stares at them. Unable to look at the boys he mumbles an apologetic, "I'm so sorry."

The boys turn, surprised by Niall's entrance and he can see it, that they're almost desperate to say something but silent because how to say it is the problem.  
It takes a small amount of processing but the way that Liam's eyes show a hint of empathy and Zayn begins tripping over his words gives him a small touch of hope.

"Ni, I was angry and it was unfair of me to say what I said and I have no idea what has been going on so I'm so s-" Zayn rambles but Niall cuts him off.

"Don't apologise." He says and it takes a couple of silent seconds before he blurts the words  
"I think I need some help. _Your_ help. I - I need something."

He tells them everything that night over a muted movie and alcohol (God knows he needed it), the first time he shoplifted, the incident with Greg, all the way through up until now and the reasons he had to take the cigarettes.

They're all curious, Louis being the only one to ask questions because of course he has no boundaries and it turns out they all show their brotherly affection one way or another. When Niall finishes, Harry puts a hand on the small of his back, Louis provides a hand on his leg, Liam ruffles his hair and although Zayn is a little hesitant, afraid that Niall will flinch like yesterday, he pulls him into a crushing hug.

And finally it seems he is able to cross something off of his guilt list.

\-----

Niall wonders if he thought he could ever make this much progress on his own.

Occasionally, he will take things. But he knows that can't be helped and honestly he doesn't keep track.

When they're out and he's trapped in a state of nostalgia, hands trembling and eyes focused, _the boys are there_ to pull him outside of the store to get some fresh air.

And even on those few occasions when he simply cannot control himself, the boys are also there to slip a cash note onto the counter, telling them to keep the change. It basically takes away the entire criminal aspect and reduces the usual overwhelming guilt.

They have a bonfire.

It's Louis' idea, to set fire to all his stolen items, to let it be part of the past. And Niall keeps telling him that they have all his memories and he _can't_ just let them all go, but Louis always turns around and points to his head because "that's where they all are Ni, up there."

And even when everything goes up in flames, serenity beams from his look. He feels liberated almost and it helps just a bit more when Harry draws him close, so close that Niall can smell the smoke in his hair and whispers in his ear.  
"We'll _always_ be here Niall."


End file.
